Lee came round for his window money last night. Ron gave him a copy of the April mag and he likes my windowcleaner cartoon. That’s more than I can say about it, I hate my stuff when it’s rushed, as it invariably is. Mind you, it’s nice to be appreciated. Thanks Lee and thank you Ron.

Sometimes it’s hard to keep your nose out, but I have restrained myself from commenting on the ongoing debate about belonging, what it is we belong to and how we fix the bits that are perceived to be not working as they should……. until now. I am sad to report that no less an authority than our very own rector has caused me to put finger to keyboard.

The illustration started off well enough. I could deal with the visually challenged describing an elephant. The words were nice and short, except for elephant which has three of those silly bull thingies whatever they are. Closing my eyes and imagining how I’d explain tusks helped me appreciate how we all have grasped parts of the truth but not the whole thing. Using creation to explain faith, yes, very apt that was.

Then the antelope came along to set the cat amongst the pigeons, so to speak. Zoologically if not philosophically. This is where the analogy fell down for me. Aren’t antelopes part of creation as well? Supposing it had been a tortoise instead, would that have been acceptable, or would it have been fricasseed like its Galapagos cousin was by Darwin’s shipmates?

Readers of Terry Pratchett’s Discworld novels will tell you that not only is their land carried through the cosmos on the backs of four elephants perched on a planet sized turtle, but that there was also a minor deity in one of those highly entertaining stories that took the form of a more regular sized and by all accounts extremely tasty shelled reptile.

I am sorry, but if current thinking has to borrow from popular fiction to get the message across, then I’m a gorilla’s mother’s brother.

Is it just me, or do any readers have trouble opening and closing lever arch files unscathed? Afficianados of popular 20^th century television comedy Open All Hours will be not be unfamiliar with Arkwright’s recalcitrant till drawer. That’s how the levers in lever arch files are with me. When performing simple filing tasks, I have this habit of holding the documents in my right hand and flipping the lever with my left. Without fail as the arch opens, I get my fingers caught between the lever and the non-moving part of the arch. Believe me, it is more painful than it sounds. I wonder if I can claim for industrial injury.

Hopefully, Mrs Rector’s foot is well on the mend now and that her perambulations are much improved upon what they were at Easter. Colin kindly excused her from marching in the light of God around St John’s on Ester Day like the rest of us had to, but if truth be told, the conga line was so congested that it was more a case of hobbling in the light. It seems to me that Christine could have probably lapped us a couple of times if she’d had a mind to.

Still on the subject of Christine, she gave me a sneak preview of the most excellent artwork that was adorning the windowsill areas of St. Mary’s when I was after Colin’s signature on a Children’s Joy payment recently. I was particularly taken with the one of Mary by the grave. If it’s still there, it’s next to what Colin has dubbed the Norty Pew (because that’s where I sit when I’m up the hill). If you look to the top left of the picture, there is what looks suspiciously like an aircraft steering wheel and the graveyard looks uncannily like a cockpit. You don’t suppose there’s more than a grain of truth in the  “Funny Things Children Say” anecdote about Pontius being a pilot do you?

You’re probably puzzling over this month;s article’s title. There’s no reason why I have called it May Flowers other than I needed to call it something and May blooms are meant to follow all that April precipitation we’ve had. Hope so, I sowed a load of seeds at the weekend and if the slugs get the lettuce, at least the colour of the poppies will be nice.

I’m Uncle Bobo, telling it like it is. Have a joyous Whitsun and sorry about the especially rubbish cartoon this month. It was rushed.

Last Wednesday 14 members of the men’s group came together for a excellent chinese meal at a far eastern venue – the seafront on southend beach!!  The food was mouth watering fantastic and the drinks were eye watering expensive!  But we didn’t mind as we had a fantastic table that everybody could sit around, chat and exchange stories.  From where I was sitting we managed to discuss the merits of using the back lanes to avoid the 6.30pm traffic, who could remember their first Ford and what is the best way to fold a duck pancake – Eddy had the best suggestion – “with lots of chilly sauce”.

If you fancy a fun night out with a bunch of ordinary but loveable blokes do check out the men’s group events on this web site.

From nowhere an ‘Elvis impersonator’ arrived and started singing (if you can call it that) it was so loud and awful unfortunately we just ate our food (which was very nice!) and asked for the ‘bill’.

That was our next disaster they tried to over charge us by £15 but Pat came to the rescue and went straight up to the bar and sorted it out!!!

Well done Pat! Let’s hope that won’t put off the ladies from coming to one of our other ventures - Liz Burton

Nearly 2 solid months of constant attack in the name of regulatory compliance, but finally the auditors have gone and the accounts have been signed off. The FSA returns have been posted to Canary Wharf and I am apparently a legend in the office for not even blinking when I downed 2 chilli vodka shots at my boss’s farewell party Thursday night. Emma that sits diagonally opposite me is amazed I only got ratty with the audit juniors twice, but like I said last month, Eddie’s Mind the Gap session on temper tantrums has helped a lot. I haven’t even got wound up by Flatulent Woman who gets on the train at Upminster sitting next to me a couple of times.

Now the pressure’s off, though, it makes me think what am I going to until next February.

Still, we all know who finds work for idle hands, so rest assured I’ll find something before that happens.

***

I don’t get up to St. Mary’s as often as I’d like, but when I caught diabetes 13 years ago, it made me really tired all the time and I couldn’t wake up early enough on Sundays. That’s where animals come in handy. They get so used to the alarm clock going off at half six in the week that they yowl for breakfast at much the same time at weekends when the clock’s turned off. Oh well, no peas for the wicked as they say.

So, not being able to sleep, I nipped up the hill recently for my weekly devotions. I have to say it’s not three bad still having half the morning left afterwards, not to mention that I might also get some different material for the column. I didn’t have to wait long either. In fact, it happened the second I walked in. A sidesperson was only clicking people in on some gadget, one for adults, one for minors, because of health and safety rules. I ask you.. What has happened to this country? Could I share something with the jobsworths that insisted on this piece of petty bureaucracy? St. Mary’s ain’t that big. In an emergency I don’t see it taking long to get everyone out safely without having to count them afterwards. I don’t recall being clicked in at St. John’s even though there are more nooks and crannies for the really determined to hide themselves in there than at St. Mary’s. That’s progess, I guess.

Later on, as the choir came walking down the aisle, I spotted one lady wearing a badge on her choral frock. My first though was that it may be some sign of good behaviour like a Blue Peter badge, or of long service like the stars McDonald’s staff wear. But no, as the lady drew closer, I saw that it bore the word “Listener”. One of the weekly topics in this year’s Lent course was that we should be quick to listen and slow to speak, coincidentally.

Listening is a precious commodity, so could someone explain why most of our listeners are women?

***

Talk about small world. It turns out my window cleaner also washes our Ron and Jean’s windows too. He’s a nice feller, Lee that is, not Ron, although I’m sure Ron’s a nice bloke too. Like many who make their living climbing ladders with squeegee and bucket, Lee is a Jehovah’s Witness. I have some really interesting conversations on my doorstep with Lee when he calls round for his money. Now, from what I can gather, so does Ron. I have long admired the JWs for having the guts to knock on people’s doors with their message – coincidentally much as we have been exhorted this Lent to find our voices when opportunities present themselves– but I’ve never quite understood what the difference between them and us is. There are interpretations they take from the bible that are a bit too literal in my view, like there was never rain on this planet until Noah’s flood, but they believe Jesus is the Son of God the same as us. So why are we different? I feel Lee has finally answered that one for me. It seems they do not believe in the Trinity, i.e. God in three persons. For them, Father, Son and Spirit are separate. I have told Lee that he’ll never persuade me to agree with all his beliefs and that I don’t expect to convert him to my way of thinking, but I’m always happy to talk about God with him. May we have many such talks before God calls us to be with Him. Amen.

12 noon to 3 pm Good Friday vigil at St Mary’s with meditations on each half hour and communion at 2.30 pm.

Meditations will be based on Bishop of Chelmsford, Stephen Cottrell’s new book “The Nail”.

Easter Sunday

9 am Easter Communion at St Mary’s

11 am All Age Easter Communion at St Johns

For those aged 50+

Last month 20 very chatty and friendly folk gathered for the first meeting of this Thursday Morning group. It was a great opportunity to spend an enjoyable morning meeting new people over a cuppa and a few specially made cup cakes.

The next gathering will take place on Thursday, 19^th April, also from 10-11/11.30am. On this occasion we hope to confirm the following:

• A name for the group. One suggestion is the Thursday Rendezvous group.
• That the group will meet every 2 weeks after this date.
• Details about the variety of short talks or presentations which we hope will happen at every other meeting of the group.

There is no cost but donations are welcome.

All those aged 50+ are welcome to come along and join us on 19^th April. You are guaranteed a warm welcome and to feel a valued member of the group.

For more information please ask Sue Purbrick, Liz Burton, Carol Carter or Julian Patching.

If you would like to volunteer (must be 18+) to help out at Connect or if you would just like to know more about Connect or any other of our plans for our young people, please speak to Julian Patching, our Community & Youth Pastor on 07535674594.

There you will be treated to a proper man’s breakfast of sausages, bacon, beans, mushrooms, fried bread, eggs, toast and tea/coffee.  You will also find fellow men ready to talk about the things that matter – world news, the latest gadget and who’s going to win the league.

Each breakfast has a guest speaker who tells us about what matters to them and this month we had Trudy Westmore-Cox whose vision established St Lukes Hospice.  

Trudy told us of her story and the way God had led her to create a hospice out of 25p.  For some reason most of men seem to rubbing a lot of sleep out from their eyes as she told her moving story.  Although the breakfast is free we do ask for donations into our magic bucket and on this day we managed to raise £129 for St Luke’s Hospice

Spaces are limited so check out the men’s group activities to find out when the next breakfast is scheduled and come and talk to Bob Burton, Steve Hurley and Perry Childs to book your place

Meet the cooks:

NER!

….to those of you that told me off last month for not helping Jezebel rake up leaves in January. Let me tell you about my morning today. It is still year end at work and I have wall to wall auditors coming out of my ears. I’m spending so much time answering their questions at the expense of current work that I’ve had to bring stuff home with me this weekend. I also have art to do for daughter 2 (that’s Cainetta to you). She wants me to do her a muriel in her new gaff.

Wondering where to start, I was reading about the wonderful breakfasts Asda do on Facebook, when wifey (Jezebel) came home from the shops. After helping her bring the shopping in, I made her a cup of tea and myself a coffee before dysoning the house from top to bottom. Inside that is. Vacuuming the roof might be a bit impractical. THEN she decided today would be a good day to have another go at the leaves. I asked if she wanted me to hold the wheelie bin lid open, but she said no, just wheel it round from the dustbin corner onto the grass for her.

Did I say I had loads to do and no idea where I was going to start? Next thing I know, I’ve volunteered to rake for a bit. She said it was the picking up she didn’t like so much and so muggings here ended up filling the wheelie bin with an attractive autumnal selection of floral detritus. By the time I got back to my coffee, she was making herself a second tea while ice cubes were forming in my drink.

Patience of a saint, that’s me. Oh well, if nothing else, at least there’s no room now for the neighbours to put their old garden rubbish in our receptacle on Wednesday morning.

***

Has anyone found the Mind the Gap sessions helpful? I thought the recent one on anger management was good. Now I know you’d never ever believe I could, even in the tiniest way, get a bit cross, but since they introduced those trains with the individual sets on the Southend to Fenchurch Street line I’ve had more disagreements with my fellow commuters about who has taken more room than they’re entitled to than I did on the old cronky break down every ten minutes slam door trains where it was 6 to a bench. Back then, people were educated to shift up a bit to allow others to sit down. Now, however, we all have our own seats and forget that if we’re a bit wider than the train designer built the seats, it’s still manners to squish in a touch. And that’s where the trouble starts, because I refuse to believe I’ve put on an ounce since I got married, so it’s usually me that’s taking up all the space. Since realising that, my daily commute is so much less stressful. All I now have to do is finish the suduko quicker than the woman in the headscarf and travelling will be a joy.

Thanks Eddy. Keep ‘em coming.

***

On the subject of transport, back in the olden days when Dad never had a car and we lived in Aveley, the only way to get anywhere was by bus. It seemed that we always had to wait ages at the bus stop whatever time we got there. Coming home from Nan and Granddad’s in Dagenham was horrible in winter. We had to get the 145 from Martin’s Corner down to the Chequers pub on the A13. There we had to change to the Green Line to get us to Aveley. There was still a walk from the bus stop opposite Aveley Infant’s school to our house in the last road in the village before the interminable wilderness between there and South Ockendon. I’d be frozen quite often by the time we got indoors and waited for the coal fire to warm up.

Visiting Nan and Grampa in Mile End was worse. We had to get the Green Line all the way to the Poplar by the pub with the animated neon pirate on its roof before changing for the red bus to the Bow end of Burdett Road. (Funny how the changes were always at pubs – we frequently got off at the Ship in Aveley on the way back).

And as for waiting an hour then 3 buses coming along together, that was just like my daughters’ weddings. Cainetta has also chosen Olympic Year to wed and her big day is a mere 3 weeks after her older sister’s. Oi vay! Anyone got 4 some spare readies for 4 fares to Gretna Green? Bus of course.

***

It was only the other week that Julian’s new job as our Community and Youth Pastor was announced in church and it was also written about in January’s magazine. Let me add this column’s belated congratulations to that and make mine the penne alla arrabiata.

I’m Ben Jericho, cooking with gas. Smoaaaaaaakin!

We all have a great time socialising and doing different things during the year.  If you are interested in joining in then contact the appropriate person listed by each activity.  If you want to see what we have been up to recently then check out this web page.